I've noticed in my desparate lack of sleep and in my overabundance of work, I've tended to get complainy. I know that I do this. I start to freak out and then I have a very difficult time looking on the bright side. (And right now when I force myself to look on the bright side, I feel a little ridiculous as I'm looking up from the dark hole of the thirty-six-plus hours of work that I need to squeeze into my "off" hours over the next five days.)
But I realize that I walked into a colleague's office today and the first thing out of my mouth was a kind of incredulous complaint about something, which is just kind of ugly. There wasn't any need for me to make the comment I did, to be so negative.
Because I know me and I know that, for the last ten years, I've worked through this cycle of feeling buried under work for days, weeks, or months at a time only to somehow make it through the end of each cycle and forget all of those desparately drown-y thoughts, I have to figure that I'm going to make it through this too.
Or I'm going to make a different choice. And choice is something I've been asked to keep in mind: I'm choosing this every day. I don't have to, but I do.
So instead of being Mx. Complainy, maybe it'd be better if I remind myself to take a breath and remind myself that this is my choice and I'm overall pretty satisfied with this choice (and, when the workload isn't threatening to kill me, I'm actually incredibly happy with this choice).
I'll work on it. In the meantime, well, back to work.
(One more quick note: I'm sure venting serves a purpose. In fact I'm pretty sure I listened to a Stuff Mom Never Told You podcast on it recently. Perhaps venting a little isn't horrible, but perhaps that's when I can turn to my journal instead of heaping all that crap on others....)