Alternating between those two, panic and calm, probably doesn't consitute the healthiest way to live, right?
Every week, I studiously work my way through as much as I can and then I take a day and a half off (Friday late afternoon/evening and all of Saturday). Every Sunday morning, though, I struggle to force myself out of bed. I know that getting up will mean grabbing something to eat and then sitting down to work pretty much every waking hour. (This way of living Sundays has been my m.o. pretty much all of Pic's life, which exacerbates the problem.)
I want to have days off, but I want to have them without feeling guilt that I have things to do. I have a job that certainly doesn't end when I walk out of the building. (Don't so many of us have those jobs?) I choose this work and I love this work, but this work threatens to take me down.
I want to enjoy a Saturday with my family, without waking up to the crushing feeling that Sunday is just not long enough. And I keep telling myself that, in a few years, I'll have this more figured out.
I'm right now hesitating on making a major life decision (major for me, and, therefore, for my family) because I'm already tired. I'm already worn down. I'm already constantly aware of the burn-out rate for my profession. I'm also aware that I can take any job and stretch it to fill my every waking minute.
I've already chosen not to do things like socialize much outside of spending time with the people I live with. I no longer watch television about eight months of the year. This isn't because I think television is a waste (although I do think that probably much of it feels like a waste to me) or that I'm anti-tv. I would love to sit down, stop everything else, and just watch stuff sometimes. I don't like to go to the movies, in part because the cost feels prohibitive to me (oh, yeah, I just said "cost prohibitive"), but mainly because at a cinema, I can't get other things done while I watch a movie.*
* I actually sat down and watched a movie with Pic Friday night, and I went through a stupid internal debate about whether I could even spare time for that. Yes, about whether I could spend an hour and a half with my kid watching a movie she wanted to share with me. On a night when I knew I wasn't going to do any work anyhow.
I wrote the above freak-out post a couple of weekends ago now, after spending most of the day alternating between crying and breathing. (Wow, if I'm not high-strung....) I finally gave up and talked C into a walk. I wasn't okay the next Sunday either. Still dealing. Feeling calm at the moment, though, although it's been a while since I've been calm enough to sleep well. If I could give that up, I would.